Henny Youngman Quotes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
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AuthorName
Henny Youngman
Profession
Comedian
BirthDate
16 March, 1906
DeathDate
24 February, 1998
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