Chelsea Handler Quotes

Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan?
As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha's Vineyard, and I was always topless. All the pictures are of me in jean shorts, no shirt - with my brothers, playing football.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are ridiculous-looking - especially her. They're so strange and charismatic and weird. It's pretty hard to take your eyes off them.
Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.'
Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life.
E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas... everything they do just is a failure.
Even my Mormon sister checks my rankings on Amazon.com.
Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet.
Every time I had a book come out, I'm like, 'Is it going to be number one?'
Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.
Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?'
Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you feel you deserve them the most, but they're there. I believe it. You should too. Because now I'm with someone who makes me grow every day. His name is Netflix.
Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.
I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.'
I cannot be Mary Hart - or even worse, Samantha Harris - and stand there with my hip out talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes taking Suri to an art museum without making fun of it.
I definitely don't want to have kids. I don't think I'd be a great mother. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have the time to raise a child.
I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.
I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.
I don't have a lot of shame. That doesn't mean I can't feel bad about the way someone reacts to me or about something I read about myself online. But I don't have a lot of guilt, no. I've always been this way. I'm missing a chip.
I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny.
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AuthorName
Chelsea Handler
Profession
Comedian
BirthDate
25 February, 1975
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